it is not possible for me to unravel the past few weeks in any meaningful way. to give a terse account here would be to do the experience no justice.
the only vague and non-committal update i can afford is that i am now back in north america (for the season) with much to reassess, recalibrate, and revisit.
being back "home," whatever that means, has been disorienting. there is personal space here. universal health care here. paved roads here. people i adore here. here is my community, the aesthetic i understand, the bands and books and boys i know well and love truly. my heart at once swells with the good cheer of this city, and roaming about these streets of toronto, with handsome houses and tall trees and pot-hole free sidewalks, i remember that i still have feelings for this place. that despite the harsh winter months, this is where i fell in love with arcade fire. discovered david foster wallace. realized that i could not live without weekend brunch dates (aunties and uncles challah french toast, hi!).
and yet. i never learned how to stand still. i don’t quite know how to keep myself tethered to one place. i have been spending all the free time i have unmooring myself (what from?), that if i were to entertain the thought of staying put in one spot for longer than a few months, i wouldn’t even know how to go about it. just thinking about buying matching furniture, i can feel my throat close in.
my parents were thinking of investing in real estate some months ago, and i was unceremoniously drafted to go check out these lofts and flats and condominiums and apartments that had been short-listed. it wasn’t even my money that we were spending, but just touring these grown-up living quarters, having the real estate agent assault me with questions – on how i like my floors, or whether i would like to keep the island in the kitchen, would i be needing a his and hers sink in the washroom – i could feel myself break out into emotional hives. i was having an allergic reaction to the idea of committing to one flat, one address, one neighbourhood, one city, one country, one continent.
anyways. more on this later. for now, patio beckons.
Since graduating from university, I have not owned a desk. It’s unnecessary furniture that will weigh me down and make it harder for me to break away and move someplace new. I get mini-panic attacks thinking about buying one. Most people think that’s crazy. Thank-you for not being “most people,” May. You’re too wonderful! I want to print this out and put it in my scrapbook. I feel like you just held a mirror up to my thoughts. Insanity. I miss being surrounded by like-minded people. Well, guess that means the wind is blowing…time to move again ;) I’m committed to vagabonding my way through this life.
habibte! thanks for your lovely note. and yes, i am also wedded to the idea of wanderlusting through life. i have a feeling that our paths will cross in the near future? x